Robin Williams Jokes2:00 PM
A few from "150 Greatest Robin Williams Jokes" on Total Film
150. Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose
149. I walked into my son's room the other day, and he's got four screens going at the same time. He's watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say "He's got ADD." Fuck that, he's multitasking.
146. Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's five o'clock in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."
145. We were talking briefly about cocaine...yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!
143. The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'
142. If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
139. We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.
125. Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
124. The moment the Pope dies, they take him through St. Peter's Basilica, and fifty thousand cell phones are like [pantomimes the clicking sounds of camera phones] And I'm sure that was his last wish. "When I die, I want to be a screensaver."
120. Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
119. [Imitating a Frenchman] Fuck you Americans! Uncultured, crass Americans! We hate all of you! Fu- the Germans are here! Hello Americans! We love you!
116. Texting and driving at the same time is like jerking off and juggling at the same time. Too many balls in the air, if you catch my drift.
115. Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.
113. The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material.
111. I have my morning coffee for two reasons. One, to kick start my brain, but number two, and more importantly, to jump start my colon.
110. I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."
109. Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.
107. And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!
106. What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.
104. In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."
103. Obviously this is not gonna be a normal night of theater! This will be Shakespeare with a strap on!
99. I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.
92. Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
62. You’ll notice that Bush never speaks when Cheney is drinking water.
60. The definition of pornography is quite simple. Erotic is using a feather, pornography is using the entire chicken. (This added two years to my life.)
42. Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.
41. I had my back waxed once by two women... and at one point they said, "Do you mind if we take a break?"
5. Sometimes you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.
4. One time in makeup as Mrs. Doubtfire, I walked into a sex shop in San Francisco and tried to buy a double-headed dildo. Just because. Why not? And the guy was about to sell it to me until he realised it was me – Robin Williams – not an older Scottish woman coming in to look for a very large dildo and a jar of lube. He just laughed and said, ‘What are you doing here?’ and I left. Did I make the purchase? No. Did I walk away with a really good story? Yes.
1. There was an old, crazy dude who used to live a long time ago. His name was Lord Buckley. And he said, a long time ago, he said, "People - they're kinda like flowers, and it's been a privilege walking in your garden." My love goes with you.